An Altar of Thanks Given

It has been on my heart for some time that I needed to share my story.  My story of my children.  I told God many times that I would share the blessings that came from heart ache.  I told him I would obey.  I don't know who will read this that needs to hear it but I know in my heart there is someone out there that needs to hear this story.  So here is the altar I am building to my God.  My altar of Thanks Given.  Mike and I have been married almost 8 years!  About a year into our marriage we started talking about having children.  I sort of suspected it would not be an easy journey for us so we talked with our doctor about it.   After the first of many procedures the doctor said he thought my tubes were blocked and referred me to a fertility specialist.  I was devastated.  I remember calling my mom from the parking lot and crying my eyes out.  The first of many tears.  We made an appointment with Dr. Kathy Doody not long after.  At the first appointment she told us we would need an exploratory surgery to really see my tubes and see if any damage could be repaired easily.  We we nervous, so we put it off for some time.  Decided we would just wait and see if anything happened and have the surgery when we felt more comfortable with it.  About a year later, we went in.  It was the very first time I had been under anesthesia.  It was probably the most scared I had ever been too.  I was really, really afraid I would wake up and they would tell me I would never have children.  Quite the opposite happened, I woke up and they told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with my tubes and we could move on to the next phase of treatment.  I was diagnosed with polycistic ovarian syndrome, PCOS.  We started with two rounds of clomid, my body wouldn't respond.  We then moved on to using FSH shots.  No progress there either.  Next was FSH shots with artificial insemination.  We went through three rounds of this, all failed.  At this point, we were getting more and more discouraged.  Waiting on the phone call of "congratulations or we're sorry" was the most dreaded day of every month.  I felt like I knew every time that I wasn't pregnant, but I also think I was preparing myself for the news I didn't want.  People would ask how we were handling it, were we OK?  I always answered with "God will give us a baby in His time."  At some point I wondered if that was true, did I even believe it?  I was getting more and more angry with God.  I prayed every night for this baby, every night.  But then I had a realization.  God knew my heart.  He knew how angry I was.  It was time for me to have an honest conversation with Him.  I will never forget that night.  I sat in my room and told Him I was mad.  I deserved a baby.  Mike deserved a baby.  We would be wonderful, loving parents.  Why did people who didn't even want children get to have them?  Why wouldn't He let us have a baby? I cried and cried and cried.  But I finally had an open, honest conversation with my Heavenly Father about my deepest hurts and desires.  He immediately led me to Elizabeth's story in the Bible.  John the Baptist's mom.  And I laughed to myself and said OK, God if I need to wait to have a baby as magnificent as the one you blessed Elizabeth with I will wait.  I will wait and I will trust in You.  I laid down that night and heard as clear as if He was in my room, "Trust in Me."  This was after our 2nd round of FSH and artificial insemination.  We had another that failed. It still hurt,  I still cried.  But I had a new peace about it.  I came to realize that I wanted to be a parent more than I wanted to be pregnant.  And whatever way God was going to bring us a child, he WAS going to bring us a child and I was going to be happy however they got here.  After the third fail, Dr. Doody recommended In Vitro Fertilization.  We had a lot of decisions to make.  I should mention that all this time we were attending a wonderful Life Group through our church.  They prayed with us and for us every week.  I never asked them to pray only for our baby but to pray for our peace.  Boy does our God answers prayers!  We decided we would take a vacation, with no shots, no schedules, no stress and when we got back we would start the In Vitro process.  So off we headed for a week at our favorite place, Port Aransas.  I always say that is my spot.  A wonderful pastor and friend, Matt Chandler, once said in a  sermon "where does God really talk to you?  Where is for you that you can't help but feel His presence?"  That is the beach for me.  When we returned, we were refreshed and renewed.  We had made a decision, we would go through with one round of IVF.  See what happens, trust our God and then take a step back.  We were not sure how much more we could go through.  If you read much of my blog, you know what a truly perfect and wonderful blessing Ms. Madie Lou McQuitty is.  She is the answer to every prayer, the validation of every tear and the absolute love of our lives.  I have said more than once, and truly mean it with all of my heart,  I would go through every heart ache, every shot, every procedure and every tear a million more times if it meant she was the outcome.  God knew what He was doing, I didn't need to.  But that isn't the end.  I actually think He is just showing off at this point. Mike and I had started talking about another baby.   Well, really, I had started talking about another baby, Mike wasn't sure if it was time yet.   On the drive home from Madie's first trip to Port Aransas, Mike said "you know, maybe it is time for Madie to have a little brother or sister".  God was preparing his heart.  It was two nights later we learned we were pregnant with Marlie!  No way!  I was more shocked than I have ever been in my life.  I had started praying for God to prepare us.  I was ready to go through whatever we needed to for another child and I was ready to face disappointment again too.  But that was not His plan this time around.  He blew us away!  He said this is My plan, raise these children to follow Me.  And we will .  Oh, we will!  We cannot wait to meet our second miracle baby.  We cannot wait to see what God has in store for our girls, but I know it will be in His design.  The thing I would say to the mommies in waiting is this: trust in Him.  Trust with all your heart.  I do not know what His journey for you is. Only He does.  But trust me when I say, it will be for His glory and you will reap the rewards.   And that is my Altar to Him.  My Altar of Thanks Given on a week where we reflect what we are most thankful for.  I am most thankful for my blessings.  They are plenty, perfect and mine.